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Friday, October 30, 2009; 1:14 AM
Why does things always turn out this way? Why we don't get support from ppl we know?
Esp ppl we love... it will break their hearts if i follow my heart.. why am i so lost?
Wer is the hand that always stretches out for me when i need it?
Does it have to be this way?
There's no turning back once i made this decision from de start.. Is tis a joke?
Why am i feeling so fed up?
Is it the wrong time?
Am i that unacceptable? Unlikeable? Unbearable?
I dunno how to help him lift the stress from everything..
I onie know on my part i have to understand and accept things the way it is..
But i think i screwed up.. I failed... Once again i'm back in this pit.. dark and endless... cold and alone... this reallie sucks alot..
Why do ppl blame each other in stead of seeing the person's good points? Are we all born selfish?
Yes to all of the above for me... I'm such person too.. Are u? shy to admit huh.. readers..
It's okie.. No one will admit they are selfish openly.. not that anyone i know of..
Perhaps i shud reallie start my big revamp of life next year.. going overseas.. explore the world.. take my degree.. get my license... hopefully my life will be complete if i have u by my side..
I guess here i am.. selfish again.. ask for too much...
I once heard a tale.. they say when u have too much in ur life.. somehow or rather.. u'll lose it eventually.. Afterall, we came to this world with nth.. That's probably true in some sense..
Today talked to joanna abt my love life.. She's reallie supportive.. moreover, her hubby is younger than her too.. and still dotes on her and the family.. *envious*
I feel so useless not being able to do anything to help make tis workable.. i can't stop other ppl from talking... neither can i change the way u feel rite now.. I can onie sit in one corner of my bed and pray if we still believe in ourselves.. that we can overcome all obstacles... Prove to the ppl talking abt how we will end up in.. WRONG.. Can WE? Will WE? Shall WE?
I dunno.. i nid an ans... i nid a direction to follow now.. totally lost in my mixed feelings...
Like a shrimp in vast seas.. hit by waves after waves...
Like any ordinary star in the big sky...
Shall end here.. no mood le..
*signed off*
Labels: Mixed Feelings
Monday, October 19, 2009; 12:10 AM
Feelings
I feel if one day i were to pass away will i be missed?
If we're not too sure of tmr how can we decide how to live today?
How ironic can life be when i told myself not to fall for a younger guy but eventually the one i love is younger than me?
Is it jus on my part?
I'm gonna go through tis alone.. all ALONE~
I'm now stucked.. nt moving forward and i cant move backward..
I keep thinking to myself all these problem..
Do i tink too much?
Why i care so much? the more i care the more i cant let go... i reallie hate myself now..
Today broke down @ work.. cried early in the morning b4 passing report inside prep room..
Why is it so difficult for me...why i cannot be strong enuf to handle all these alone?
why i love to hang around at home and think of these shyt...
Tmr i decided after meeting him i'm going to ECP agn.. reminise in the memories.. this time i'm going alone..
The moment i open my eyes i miss ur hugs and kisses.. when will the days come back?
Will it ever come back? Is GOD trying to make a joke outta me? Cuz if this is a joke it's @ the cost of my life..
The torment of knowing i'm not important, not as loved... makes me wanna end this all..
But the torment of knowing i still love him even harsh words are said, wanting to be tgt for as long as we could... IS even stronger..
Am i the only one who feels this way? Am i the only on trying to salvage the situation?
If yes i am.. pls let me know asap.. treat it as your last shot of pity for tis poor heart of mine..
If it just stops beating cuz of the pain its going through.. then let me say tis ..
I LOVE YOU.. AND I LIKE YOU..
For who and wad you are..
Thanks for the memories.. and i will keep it with me..
Thanks all who is trying to show concern for me all this time.. ward colleagues.. frens.. my sister..
If cant reach me by tmr evening.. treat as though i MIA ba..
Labels: goodbyes are hard to say
Wednesday, October 14, 2009; 1:09 AM
Today i didn't eat anything.. lived on water nia.. no mood and appetite.. feel whole body lighter and shivering.. raindrops kept appearing near my place.. like the tears from my eyes or the bleeing point in my heart..
Tmr's plans going to the beach we used to visit.. sit on the stone bench wer we shared our first**** memories relished.. hurt myself to de point of being numb and devoid of feelings so i wont bother too much abt everything else~
Tuesday, October 13, 2009; 1:13 PM
I know i cant compare to anyone and i dont have the right to..
Perhaps i had given my heart too soon ..
Maybe i love u just like the way u love her... that deep..
Wad am i? Am i even put in priority @ all?
Do i still have a place in ur heart?
These past few months tgt i tried not to break ur heart..
But now it doesn't seems to matter cuz now u're in *her position.. UR mum is the one giving u pressure..
You wanted to prove happy endings doesn't happen onie in fairytales?
I wanted to be ur princess the one who has happie ending with u..
Do you even think about our future?
Or cuz of my age u think u cant afford my future?
There wasn't any hide-and-seek ever between us cuz i face my true feelings directly..
Have i been too direct? you got tired of me le?
Am i the onie one who wish to cont this?
If most of ur ans is yes i suggest we break up bah.. rather than live in pain..
Thanks for letting me have the last say..
Lastly.. i reallie reallie love u loads..
I dunno how long i will take to recover from this..
I hope i dun end up in hospital bed can already..
Last post of (us) le..
Thanks for the happie times we've shared..
Tho its not as fantastic as ur previous but at least i hope its still smth to u..
I can tell u love her alot more than me i guess..
Cuz i prob din make u wait so u dunno the result of waiting so long is to treasure the r/s..
u might be sad or angry after reading this.. but i noe mine will last longer..
Sorry u're still young have many opportunities for u..
Don't have to be with a (jiejie) like me..
Don't worry about this breakup.. i wont shun u.. we can still be frens.. good frens.. best frens that can talk about anything in the world..
In any case u think i'm still worth the chase.. feel free to do so.. cuz my heart wont belong to someone else's that soon.. its still here.. in this.. with u...
我给你最后的疼爱 是手放开
Monday, October 12, 2009; 10:35 PM
It's been some time since i last updated my blog.. cuz nth much happened and life is still the same for me.. no major changes.. except for my hairstyle~ but i have a strong feeling.. my irrational personality will force me to make some major decisions that will change my entire life..
sometimes i wish i could just put down everything and go on a short trip with my honey.. not tink of work,sch,family,problems....etc.. Just us relax and talk and enjoy ourselves... bath our skin in the hot sun... looking like 2 poles of charcoal from afar.. how i wish... it will happen... like our little honeymoon.. haha..
signing off..
healthy always
BeeBee
October 2008